3 months…and the list keeps growing…

I haven’t gotten completely out of the habit of counting gifts, I’ve just ran out of time blogging them…so here we are catching up:

91. wonderful RNs and Aids taking care of dad in the hospital

92.  catching Big Boy’s ear infection early

93.  Middle Boy being so cute right before getting his tubes

94.  Sweet RNs that loved on Middle after his surgery

95.  in-laws watching the boys so Jas & I could have a much needed date night

96.  watching Big’s imagination and hearing him sing his pirate songs

97.  the peace that washed over me on Good Friday morning when I reflected on my week & realized what He did for me

98.  connecting with dad’s RN at the ECF and realizing they are Christians

99.  Dad turning his cell phone on for our 7:30am call on the days I couldn’t visit him so we could talk.

100.  Dad liking the nursing home he’s in.

101.  Just when I think I can’t take anymore- Easter weekend reminds me I don’t have to

102.  The act of finding the eucharisteo

103.  A steady job with a good paycheck

104.  Comfortable shoes for work

105.  Middle feeling significantly better after his tubes

106.  a day with my boys

107.  hubs helping my dad with oncologist appointments

108.  (in)courage community video

109.  all 3 boys content at the same time, independent of one another

110.  (109) that let me make coffee

111.   dad being able to make his own decisions

112.  a family gathering

113.  a royal fairy tale

********

 

Then life got really busy (these are obviously from a few weeks ago).

Tomorrow starts the memorial services for my dad'.  Today, I needed an attitude change and to think back on the gifts I failed to count this last week.

 

114.  hospice RNs and doctors that lived life with us these past few days

115. social workers and nurse managers that were on our team

116.  my dad’s proud face when he completed his physical therapy and the gals doted on him

117.  5/12/11 the last full day I spent with dad…his friend came up and we had lots of fun joking around

118.  that day also when I realized dad’s fight was almost over and he was okay with it

119.  saying good bye to my dad and hearing him tell me how much he loved me

120.  being by his side as he took his last breath

121.  knowing he is walking with Jesus now…the angels are rejoicing

122.  3 months – the amount of time from diagnosis to dad’s passing

123.  3 months – the amount of time I had to get closer to my dad and sisters

124.  my best friend coming over to help me prepare the photo collages for the funeral home

125.  the mixed bag of emotions that includes grief, relief, and of course, eucharisteo

 

I know this is wednesday, so I’ll link this monday to Ann Voskamp’s blog.

 

I would appreciate your prayers Thursday and Friday as we have the visitation and memorial for my dad.  Thank you for your support and prayers up to this point.

 

Much Love,

Where is the Sun?

Last month I posted about dancing in the rain… I feel like it’s been pouring ever since.

I’ve mentioned it quite a bit on twitter but I wanted to update on here.  I’m having a rough patch.  It’s hard trying to balance my own gaggle of littles and a sick parent at the same time.  Jason has cut back his work hours so I can have my days during the week to be with dad.  It’s tough to sit there and just watch him sleep but I know he’s thankful I’m there.  And I’m just praying he feels the comfort of Jesus through my hands and feet serving him.  I’m so appreciative of Jason’s support to allow me to spend time with dad…but I’m struggling with balance.

I miss my boys.  I miss cooking for them.  I’m tired.  I want to work out.  My diet is non-existent right now (which is really hurting me because my dad made me promise to not let his illness deter my diet).  I want to do fun home pre-school activities with my boys.  I want to plant my garden.  I want to blog.

Psalm 42: 11 (the Message) Why are you down in the dumps dear soul?  Why are you crying the blues?  Fix my eyes on God-soon I’ll be praising again.  He puts a smile on my face.  He is my God

This morning instead of looking at the things that are out of focus and blurry, I want to look at things that are in focus….

I’ve been finding my strength in God’s word (writing out my SOAP notes from reading in Psalms).

I’ve been praying for my boys daily using the Warrior Prayers.

I’m gearing up for my mental battles using Hide His Word.

I’m still counting my blessings and processing the book one thousand gifts.

I have wonderful friends physically present in my life and in cyberspace.  It’s as if God knew I would need support and encouragement right now (grin).

 

After a night when my dreams torment me and a rough morning of feeling like I can’t get it together I remembered the things that are in focus.  I feel peace calming my heart, washing over me like a waterfall.  The sun will soon shine and all that is in my heart to accomplish will either be accomplished or just not matter.  I’m focusing right now on what is most important.  At times I may feel like it’s not enough but I have to step back and bring my blurry view back to focus.

 

Have you ever had things out of focus?  Felt dizzy and unbalanced?  I’d love to know how you juggle the desire to do it all…I’d love to know how you balance kids and work and family and exercise.  Really, help me out…tell me?  Let’s talk about it!!!  I want to get through this stronger on the other side!!! 

Some days are just hard….

I’m trying really hard to get it together, honestly I am.  I feel like I have a lot on my plate.  I just want to be completely honest with everyone out there, some days are just hard!! 

 

I’m not saying this to have people feel sorry for me or tell me I can get through it, I just want to get it out!!  I don’t want to sound whiney, but again, some days are just hard.

I feel like my to do list is never ending…I have really really good intentions.

I just want to take care of my dad and fix everything.

My middle boy needs tubes in his ears, and that is scheduled for the same day as dad’s next chemo round.

Sometimes, no matter how much you read, pray, and trust in God to take care of things, there is still anxiety and depression.  I do not believe that this anxiety and depression I am feeling is because a lack of faith or a particular sin in my life.  I know I am a sinner but I also know I am saved by the grace of Jesus Christ.

So what do you do when that other stuff rears its ugly head?

Here’s my plan:

Spend time in the Word daily.

Memorize Scripture in order to have verses on my heart and in my mind instead of negative self talk.

Pray fervently each day for others needs (to help me take the focus off of myself).

Pray fervently for myself every day!!

Talk to my husband and be honest about what is going on with me.

Talk to my doctor at my appointment on Monday about all this is going on in my life and see if I have some more options medication wise.

Rest, rest, rest.

Ask for prayers from others.

Continue to read encouraging words from others (namely one thousand gifts).

Make a list of all that needs done, line it up with my priorities and see what matters most!

Be BRAVE.

Know what my limits are and ask for help when I need it.

Remember these words:

Psalm 27:14 (New Living Translation)

¹⁴ Wait patiently for the Lord.
      Be brave and courageous.
      Yes, wait patiently for the Lord.

 

He will not give up on me and He is not finished with me!!

 

Disclaimer: I am not a mental health professional.  I’m a mom that has suffered from depression, postpartum depression and anxiety.  I’m a believer in Jesus Christ.  I believe this is not how God intended me to feel and I believe that we, as moms, deserve to get help when we need it!!  Depression can be serious and nasty, please seek professional help if you are experiencing symptoms or are afraid.

Have you ever experienced depression?  What have you done to battle it?  Can I pray for you somehow?  If you’d rather not comment, feel free to use the button on the side to email me.  I’d love to talk to you!!

 

Also, I now have my blog set up for email subscribing, have a daily dose (or however often I post) delivered for free right into your mailbox!!  Fill in your address on the box to the right.

I believe that even though I don’t have it all together now, nor may I ever have it all together, God is using this time to use me, maybe it’s to help you.  I’m sure I still have stuff to learn too!!  Let’s take this journey together!!

Much Love,

When it rains…

Today was hard.  Really hard.

I've been trying to keep positive over the last few weeks in light of the bad news my dad got.  I really have.  I mean, all in all, things are great. 
I'm losing weight, getting organized, reading my Bible daily, and exercising.  On the outside, things look good.  In an effort to be real with you though, I have to tell the truth.  Some days I do really well.

Photo by Donna @ Pixosphere 

But today it rained.  It rained hard. 
I heard it when I woke up, hitting the roof.  I drove through it on the way to pick up lunch. It was cloudy and overcast all day long.

And I finally cried.  Real tears, hard tears...ugly cry.  I've teared up in the last few weeks, but this was ugly cry.

And it felt good. 

"They" (whoever they is) say that God won't give you more than you can handle.  Well, I'm learning that God gives you more than you could ever handle on your own in order that you fully rely on Him to get through it.

The enemy is going to continue to throw stuff my way.  Jake may have his third ear infection in three months, Max might just fight me on every meal (the boy does not eat!!), and Cole's teeth may feel like they are never going to pop through.  Jason may get this same cold the boys have.  Depression and anxiety may rear their ugly faces again in me.

But I serve a God that is the same exact God He was two and a half weeks ago.  He is still the I am!  He is bigger than ear infections, stubborn toddlers, teething babies, cancer, colds, and depression. I have to continue to trust in Him, even on days like today when the clouds roll in.

Photo by TeriLynne @ Pixosphere

I read a quote on twitter when I first started being more active there.

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain."
 
It's amazing how the Lord has been preparing me to handle this.  I've seen a general theme in my life of slowing down and I'm more committed to Him now than I ever have been.  All of the new things I've been working on and joining in on...they are for the "right now."

During my treadmill time the last two mornings I've listened to Seeds Family Worship (I cannot recommend these cds enough and they do not pay me to say that).

This song has been my stronghold today...

 

Even as the tears flowed down my face mixed with raindrops, this song has been in my head...on repeat.

And tonight, it's my soundtrack as I dance in the rain.

 

Finding the hard eucharisteo

I honestly thought when I started reading one thousand gifts my hard eucharisteo was going to be living in the essence of three loud rambunctious boys. I thought that was the lesson God was going to teach me. Slow down. Nothing is an emergency. After all, I felt as though I had arrived when I read in Chapter 4:

I just want to time to do my one life well.

Yes, that was my hard eucharisteo, learning to live in the moment, with these boys, being all there, tasting life as if it were sweet each day. Enjoying the right now.

And while I’m learning that and it is making a huge change in my life, I seeing there is even more to my story.

Photo by Abigail at Pixosphere

As I read the chapters in the book about people stricken with cancer, I nodded my head along. Yes, I understand. No it hasn’t directly affected my life negatively. I’ve considered myself pretty lucky. My sister has had a few melanoma successfully removed. My best friend from college lost her mom to battle with breast cancer right after we both got married. My husbands grandma is a breast cancer survivor.

But to see the effects of the disease, in my own life, in my own tight circle…I had not.

You see, I work in a hospital. I’m a pharmacist. I deal with death and dying every day. I feel like I’m sometimes pretty numb to disease, unfortunately it comes with the territory.

Photo by Cassandra at Pixosphere

So when I found out that my dad had spots show up on his liver and lungs on what I thought was going to be a routine CT scan, I got the air knocked out of me.

My beautiful view of the sky above, my living slow and soaking in all that was good suddenly became cold and gray.

Photo by Ashley at Pixosphere

My room was spinning. Suddenly I was on the other side of the hospital bed. I was a family member of a patient instead of the worker. I went to work that night afraid. I literally spent most of the night trying to catch my breath. And I felt silly crying or being worried. We have no diagnosis, no confirmation. We have time. Time to wait, stew, and think about every situation.

Luckily though, I’d been in a one thousand gifts frame of mind. I remembered what I had read in Chapter 5.

Eucharisteo is not our default mode.

All is grace only because all can be transfigured.

I awaken to the strange truth that all new life comes out of the dark places, and hasn’t it always been?

God is always good and I am always loved.

~~~

I work overnight and as I drove home that morning my clouds literally began to part.

Photo by Hope at Pixosphere

There are new mercies each morning. I serve the same God I did the day before. That God that was my sweet tea. The God that was showing me His face in the peanut butter covered face of my middle boy. (#13) He was showing me His face in the toys scattered about my living room. I was seeing Him just days earlier in things that were simple. He was whispering in my ear, “slow down, life is not an emergency” and, “I am here with you.”

Ann Voskamp said that there is a difference in expressing gratitude in horrific experiences and that God grieves the horrible with you. I had to chew on this like stale bread. Then remind myself that this isn’t a horrific experience yet. We have no idea what lies ahead.

And no matter what does, no matter the outcome, My God that I serve is the same today as He was yesterday. He is my I Am and I Will Be. Nothing has changed. And even if we get a poor prognosis, God is still on my team. He lavishes me with gifts every day!!

I’m thankful for the decision to have a one thousand gifts frame of mind right now. It’s not easy, but it has reminded me in these last few days that I am not alone.

And my dad, he’ll be ok. He’s a fighter. We’re taking it one day at a time. He meets with an oncologist this Friday and has an appointment with one of the best Cancer Centers in the country later this month. I would appreciate the continued prayers for him and my family. I pray specifically that God would use me and continue to help me keep a one thousand gifts frame of mind even if the darkest moments lie ahead.

And me, I think this whole experience will be showing me not to me so numb at work. Each person has a story, each person needs to see their own one thousand gifts. I pray God will let my work a gift to someone else.

May you see His gifts today,

Edited to add: linking up to thought provoking thursday

Getting it together...

Yes, these blogs have both been neglected over the past few months...and here's why. I hinted to it in Jake's birthday letter, but in case you didn't catch it...well, I'm pregnant!!!!

We're so excited but of course a little nervous!!! See, I'm due in October. Max will turn three in october (can you believe it?) and Jake will be 1 1/2. That means 18 months between each kid with 3 three and under!!!! Yikes!!! Momma's gotta get it together!!!

I'm hoping to post more often on both blogs, but it may be from my blackberry so no linkies or tags. But I really want this blog to be a showcase of things I'm passionate about. So hopefully you'll see more about my scrapbooking, gardening, canning, mothering, homemaking and all other things I love!!!

I've also found some great sites for encouragement...my absolute new fav is Kat at Inspired to Action. Her whole site is dedicated to purposeful mothering...now I can get on board with that!!!!

In fact, I've been inspired to action...starting to do my life journal again (more on that tomorrow hopefully), inspired by Kat's Maximize your mornings free e-book!!!

AND I created a motherhood mission statement for my life:

To know God intimately
thru study of His Word, Worship, Prayer and Fellowship
And live on His Precepts daily.

To love my husband and encourage him in his faith
To walk beside him and take care of and meet his needs.

To raise my children to know Jesus and serve Him
That they may grow in wisdom and stature, and that they may have kind and generous hearts.

To create a home where love grows, where people feel welcome and see Jesus in our lives.

And to live my life creatively, healthy, and simply. To not sweat the small stuff and to remember to FOCUS on what is most important. To act with integrity and give God glory in all I do.

~~~
So yeah, all in all, I'm getting it together. Excited about Baby #3 and scared to death at the same time!!! We're going to enjoy our time this summer as a family of 4 and spend lots of time outside (more on that too!!!).

Anyway- I'm here, I'm back, and I'll hopefully start to get some energy back and snap this nausea!!!!

One little word...

As 2009 has come to a close I've had so much on my mind lately. I've found some amazing blogs that I've added to my reader and they have inspired me to be a better version of myself (something that is always a goal of mine).

Ali Edwards has a "One Little Word" theme each year and I'm joining in this year!! (she is an amazing scrapbooker and LIFE ARTIST- a term I'm striving to be more like!!!). Anyway- my One Little Word this year is FOCUS. I want to focus more on whats most important (I mentioned this in a previous blog post). One of the gals in Ali's comments said it like this:

FOCUS...
as a noun: an act of concentrating interest or activity on something.

and also

as a verb: pay particular attention to.

something that has been lacking in many aspects of my life for way too long...
focus on family
focus on me
focus on creating
focus on learning
focus on following through
focus on the wonderful little things of everyday and the big picture of what's to come
focus.

Thanks for sharing AmyGee. I love this....I want to do this in 2010.

I'll try to post some of my goals/resolutions/revolutions in the coming days. Life is busy with my 2 boys but I'm seeing a new theme weave through our every day life and it excites me!!

Happy New Year to you and yours!!! Be blessed!!!

Introductions...

One of my favorite blogs to read is 1+1+1=1. Carisa does some amazing stuff with her "tot" and has inspired me to start working with Max on some things. She is celebrating having 1000 followers and I'm joining the party!!!


My name is: Kristi
I have: 2 boys, Max (22 months) and Jake (4.5 months)
I am: a full time pharmacist working night shift weekends at a local hospital and a SAHM during the week
The name of my blog is: On my mind.... and Double Trouble
I blog about: On my mind is my mommy blog where I put recipes, my thoughts, prayer requests, things I'm learning...general mom stuff. Double trouble is the boy's memoirs.
I have been reading at 1+1+1=1: not sure when or how I found it (sometime since Jake was born)
This is my first time commenting on 1+1+1=1: I think I've commented before and I've emailed Carisa multiple times!!
My favorite Bible verse: (right now): Isaiah 35:2 It will burst into bloom; it will greatly rejoice & shout for joy!
I participate in Tot School: not yet, trying to get it started and feeling Max out. I'm starting in small doses and will start posting soon on Double Trouble.


Thanks for visiting if you're coming over from the celebration!! Please stop and say hi!!! And if you're one of my readers, go check out Carisa!!! She's great!!!

Shopping and couponing

So I’ve been wanting to post some of my favorite resources when it comes to shopping and couponing. I’ve found several blogs that have really helped me out and I think I’m doing a decent job when it comes to saving some money for our family!!! (and since we’re going thru Dave Ramsey’s FPU class at church right now every stinking little bit helps!!!)

So here's my recommendations!!

First of all I read all my blogs in Google Reader. That way I just log in in the morning and if someone updates a blog it shows up in my reader. Then throughout the day I just check and see if anyone has updated.

There are three blogs I do check on my Blackberry when I’m not near my google reader and I do check those for updates religiously throughout the day.

Those are:

Crystal at Money Saving Mom

Jenny at Southern Savers (my friend Erin took Jenny’s couponing class in SC)

And

Marcy at Stretching a Buck (from Columbus , featured on NBC4 every other Monday with Ellie!!!)

There are several others but these gals are great with their deals. Marcy and Jenny do a breakdown of the ads for grocery stores and all three do the drug stores!! I love Marcy because she does a Giant Eagle deal (complete with what coupons go with the sale items!!!).

I’ve been tweaking my coupon organization system for the last few months- I finally think I have something that works. Erin (in SC) and I have been brainstorming methods and I hope to post pictures soon of what is finally working for me!!!

I’ve also found some great recipe websites that I’d love to share.

Year of Crockpotting (and she’s got a cookbook out!!)

Pioneer woman Cooks (delish food!!)

$5 Dinners (I love this gal)

Once a Month Mom (girls after my own heart....freezer cooking!!!)

Other things that have helped me with our grocery budget is menu planning and stock piling. Organized Junkie does a great blog carnival I’ve been trying to get into the hang of participating in and Money saving mom does a great stockpiling post.

Hopefully this post will be useful to someone!!!

I'm ok....

I haven't been able to keep up on my google reader (my favorite blogs) let alone post on this one. But here is an update...(it's kinda like a 10 on Tuesday that I always intend to do...but it's 10 on friday)
1. Jake is 2 months old.
2. We've followed Menu Planning Monday every week, I just haven't posted about it.
3. We're in week 2 of Financial Peace University!! We love this class and would recommend it to anyone interested.
4. Going along with FPU- this summer is a big summer for us. We're using the 13 weeks of FPU to try to "makeover" all areas of our life.
5. Jason has lost 9 pounds so far using our smoothies as a way to increase our fruits and veggies and get an overall healthier lifestyle.
6. I'm not bitter that Jason has lost 9 lbs and I haven't....I feel healthier and have more energy.
7. This next week we're gonna add exercise into the plan.
8. Our garden is lovely. My mom and I had salad from it last night!!!
9. I've been trying some new recipes lately...delicious muffins, pizza crust, and of course our fun smoothies. I'll try to share recipes soon.
10. I have a list of things I want to blog about when I have time...my mother's day present, books I'm reading, FPU, food, etc....so much!!!

But yeah, we're ok, busy with 2 under 2. And enjoying every single minute of it!!!

A family of four.....

We are a family of four now....Mommy, Daddy, Max and Jake

Max didn't like the hospital too well.

But he has grown up overnight in our eyes. He is such a big boy!!!

We are adjusting well to life as a family of four...it still feels crazy to say that and think that!! We've ventured out just a few times...to target and the grocery store. We take 2 carts!!! It's completely foreign and completely normal all at the same time!!!

Cousin Hodge came to visit over the weekend and we had some fun with the boys trying to do a photo shoot.

We took Jake to the doctor yesterday and Max stayed home with granny and papa. Max was so excited when Jake got home (he usually doesn't pay much attention to him unless he cries). Anyway- I thought it was a perfect picture moment (sorry, this one is posted on the boys blog too!!).

Life is crazy busy but we're getting along fine (funny, because we're not all that busy- there is just more stuff to do than blog). I hope to get the chair pic on the boys blog soon and my dear Mandi took some pictures of the boys yesterday and I can't stinking wait to see them. I will share more when I get them. Also- there is so much on my mind....there will be more posts soon....I promise!!!

Updates...no baby yet....

37 weeks, 4 days

Who could of imagined that I would've made it this far? I know I didn't. When Max was born everything happened so fast and early- I never imagined that this pregnancy could make it term. It's something that I struggled with the entire pregnancy!!

We are so excited about this baby getting here!! It's really rough now, just waiting for B to arrive. When I decided to take off work early- it was so we could maybe make it past the 35 week mark Max arrived at. To now be almost 38 weeks is bittersweet!!! And with Max- my water broke and the birth happened so quickly!! Here we are now- I've been having contractions and pre-term labor for almost 6 weeks. Add that to the stress of being off work, an inconsistent work schedule for Jason, Max staying at Granny's a bunch (because I couldn't lift him)...we've been on an emotional strain. I'm on FMLA now (I've run out of my paid time) so any time B wants to arrive is perfect!!!

Jason and I are so eager to start this next chapter of our life.- as a family of 4!! Eek!!! I know that what's ahead will be exhausting and quite possibly difficult. But we have been praying for this so much. We are trusting God with our family, our finances, our time, and our future. He has guided and protected us thus far- so we're continue to trust Him.

That doesn't mean that this trust doesn't come without anxiety. I'm prone to both anxiety and depression. This time off has been so very difficult and I've worried about everything!! I've been clinging to my Bible verses and making them my mantra!!! My simplest right now is Mark 5:36 "don't be afraid, just believe."

We would appreciate your continued prayers. Max seems to know something is up and has been out of sorts. I'm trying to figure out what labor is and Jason is anxious wanting to take care of me but get extra hours at work in order to make up for me not working. And of course we're praying for B. A healthy full term baby is our hearts desire!!!

We'll keep everyone updated as we can!!!

The Holidays...

I can't even believe thanksgiving is this week!!! Jason worked yesterday, today and works tomorrow and I'm hosting brunch on thursday. Remember-he works 12 hour days so I'm loving getting stuff done during nap time. Max is such a "helper"-he loves to get into things!!! My mom is helping me a bunch after work. Our extended family celebrates Christmas this weekend so I have to finish Christmas shopping and wrapping too!!! Oy ve.

But I wanted to stop and take a few minutes to just center. Life is so good and we are so blessed. We have so much to be thankful for-Max is growing and thriving and looks so different than he did a year ago!!! And with another on the way-I feel like we have been on the receiving end of tons of blessings!!!!

I hope you have a blessed Thanksgiving!!!