3 months…and the list keeps growing…

I haven’t gotten completely out of the habit of counting gifts, I’ve just ran out of time blogging them…so here we are catching up:

91. wonderful RNs and Aids taking care of dad in the hospital

92.  catching Big Boy’s ear infection early

93.  Middle Boy being so cute right before getting his tubes

94.  Sweet RNs that loved on Middle after his surgery

95.  in-laws watching the boys so Jas & I could have a much needed date night

96.  watching Big’s imagination and hearing him sing his pirate songs

97.  the peace that washed over me on Good Friday morning when I reflected on my week & realized what He did for me

98.  connecting with dad’s RN at the ECF and realizing they are Christians

99.  Dad turning his cell phone on for our 7:30am call on the days I couldn’t visit him so we could talk.

100.  Dad liking the nursing home he’s in.

101.  Just when I think I can’t take anymore- Easter weekend reminds me I don’t have to

102.  The act of finding the eucharisteo

103.  A steady job with a good paycheck

104.  Comfortable shoes for work

105.  Middle feeling significantly better after his tubes

106.  a day with my boys

107.  hubs helping my dad with oncologist appointments

108.  (in)courage community video

109.  all 3 boys content at the same time, independent of one another

110.  (109) that let me make coffee

111.   dad being able to make his own decisions

112.  a family gathering

113.  a royal fairy tale

********

 

Then life got really busy (these are obviously from a few weeks ago).

Tomorrow starts the memorial services for my dad'.  Today, I needed an attitude change and to think back on the gifts I failed to count this last week.

 

114.  hospice RNs and doctors that lived life with us these past few days

115. social workers and nurse managers that were on our team

116.  my dad’s proud face when he completed his physical therapy and the gals doted on him

117.  5/12/11 the last full day I spent with dad…his friend came up and we had lots of fun joking around

118.  that day also when I realized dad’s fight was almost over and he was okay with it

119.  saying good bye to my dad and hearing him tell me how much he loved me

120.  being by his side as he took his last breath

121.  knowing he is walking with Jesus now…the angels are rejoicing

122.  3 months – the amount of time from diagnosis to dad’s passing

123.  3 months – the amount of time I had to get closer to my dad and sisters

124.  my best friend coming over to help me prepare the photo collages for the funeral home

125.  the mixed bag of emotions that includes grief, relief, and of course, eucharisteo

 

I know this is wednesday, so I’ll link this monday to Ann Voskamp’s blog.

 

I would appreciate your prayers Thursday and Friday as we have the visitation and memorial for my dad.  Thank you for your support and prayers up to this point.

 

Much Love,

Top 10 Tuesday/ Hide His Word update

It’s no secret that I’m having a rough time right now…I have 3 boys under 3.5, my dad is battling Stage 4 cancer, I work full time and am trying to do it all.  My postpartum depression has grown into full blown depression, my weight loss has plateaued (despite my promises to my dad not to give up), and I’m physically, emotionally, and spiritually exhausted.

But the thing that has sustained me has been scripture memorization…so today I’m double dipping…you get a two-fer!!!  I’m linking this list up to Oh Amanda and Do Not Depart. 

I decided to split my top 10 Tuesday list into 2 parts. 

1st- 

5 way to memorize scripture (as gathered from Do Not Depart and A Holy Experience)
1. Write it down (I love my hhw moleskine)

2. Read it often

3. Listen to it (I love the links that Katie provided at Do Not Depart to the verses set to music…has helped me so much)

4. Hang it up everywhere (I have it hanging in my shower!!)

5. Practice with first letters (I’ve made index cards that you can see in the picture above that shows the first letter of each word…great for helping me recall.

 

2nd

Reasons to memorize scripture:
1. Fighting depression- I find that I need to take my thoughts captive when the depression starts.  Between Hide His Word and Seeds Family Worship I’m thinking about things that are true, noble, right, pure and lovely (Phil4:8)

2. Fighting fatigue- I am exhausted and restless.  Insomnia haunts me…so I play my verses on my iPhone and fall asleep feeling the Lords comfort.

3. Fight compulsive behavior- I believe that my depression and my emotional eating are forms of compulsive behavior.  I’m currently reading Made to Crave by Lysa TerKeurst. A quote from Chapter 1 of this book that has hit me hard is this: We consume what we think about.  And what we think about can consume us if we’re not careful. I want my thoughts to be on things above!!  She also uses the scripture “everything is permissable, but not everything is beneficial” (1 Corinthians 10:23) as a battle verse…and I’m gonna cling to it too!!! 

4. Strengthen my faith walk- I can’t imagine how hard these last few months would have been had I not been as deeply rooted in the Word…I love being able to fight this battle with the Sword of the Spirit (Eph 6:17)

5. All the cool kids are doing it!! I love the camaraderie and support I get from my sister friends on twitter.  The gals following the #HideHisWord hashtag are so encouraging and all my gals from #hellomornings, #warriorprayers, #b90days all are ready with verses to encourage and lift up one another.

 

So there you go…I feel like this blog post could also be titled,

“How memorizing Scripture has Changed my Life”

 

It’s amazing to have the Word of God always on my lips.  It’s almost automatic for me now because I’ve been working on it so much.  But I still need to make a conscious decision to do it.  Last week I paused to review (aka…didn’t touch it all week)….now I’m motivated and ready to tackle it again head on!!!

Do you have a top ten list posted today?  Do you have any additional tips for memorizing scripture?  Post a comment, I’d love to visit your blog too!!!

Much Love,

 

Where is the Sun?

Last month I posted about dancing in the rain… I feel like it’s been pouring ever since.

I’ve mentioned it quite a bit on twitter but I wanted to update on here.  I’m having a rough patch.  It’s hard trying to balance my own gaggle of littles and a sick parent at the same time.  Jason has cut back his work hours so I can have my days during the week to be with dad.  It’s tough to sit there and just watch him sleep but I know he’s thankful I’m there.  And I’m just praying he feels the comfort of Jesus through my hands and feet serving him.  I’m so appreciative of Jason’s support to allow me to spend time with dad…but I’m struggling with balance.

I miss my boys.  I miss cooking for them.  I’m tired.  I want to work out.  My diet is non-existent right now (which is really hurting me because my dad made me promise to not let his illness deter my diet).  I want to do fun home pre-school activities with my boys.  I want to plant my garden.  I want to blog.

Psalm 42: 11 (the Message) Why are you down in the dumps dear soul?  Why are you crying the blues?  Fix my eyes on God-soon I’ll be praising again.  He puts a smile on my face.  He is my God

This morning instead of looking at the things that are out of focus and blurry, I want to look at things that are in focus….

I’ve been finding my strength in God’s word (writing out my SOAP notes from reading in Psalms).

I’ve been praying for my boys daily using the Warrior Prayers.

I’m gearing up for my mental battles using Hide His Word.

I’m still counting my blessings and processing the book one thousand gifts.

I have wonderful friends physically present in my life and in cyberspace.  It’s as if God knew I would need support and encouragement right now (grin).

 

After a night when my dreams torment me and a rough morning of feeling like I can’t get it together I remembered the things that are in focus.  I feel peace calming my heart, washing over me like a waterfall.  The sun will soon shine and all that is in my heart to accomplish will either be accomplished or just not matter.  I’m focusing right now on what is most important.  At times I may feel like it’s not enough but I have to step back and bring my blurry view back to focus.

 

Have you ever had things out of focus?  Felt dizzy and unbalanced?  I’d love to know how you juggle the desire to do it all…I’d love to know how you balance kids and work and family and exercise.  Really, help me out…tell me?  Let’s talk about it!!!  I want to get through this stronger on the other side!!! 

Some days are just hard….

I’m trying really hard to get it together, honestly I am.  I feel like I have a lot on my plate.  I just want to be completely honest with everyone out there, some days are just hard!! 

 

I’m not saying this to have people feel sorry for me or tell me I can get through it, I just want to get it out!!  I don’t want to sound whiney, but again, some days are just hard.

I feel like my to do list is never ending…I have really really good intentions.

I just want to take care of my dad and fix everything.

My middle boy needs tubes in his ears, and that is scheduled for the same day as dad’s next chemo round.

Sometimes, no matter how much you read, pray, and trust in God to take care of things, there is still anxiety and depression.  I do not believe that this anxiety and depression I am feeling is because a lack of faith or a particular sin in my life.  I know I am a sinner but I also know I am saved by the grace of Jesus Christ.

So what do you do when that other stuff rears its ugly head?

Here’s my plan:

Spend time in the Word daily.

Memorize Scripture in order to have verses on my heart and in my mind instead of negative self talk.

Pray fervently each day for others needs (to help me take the focus off of myself).

Pray fervently for myself every day!!

Talk to my husband and be honest about what is going on with me.

Talk to my doctor at my appointment on Monday about all this is going on in my life and see if I have some more options medication wise.

Rest, rest, rest.

Ask for prayers from others.

Continue to read encouraging words from others (namely one thousand gifts).

Make a list of all that needs done, line it up with my priorities and see what matters most!

Be BRAVE.

Know what my limits are and ask for help when I need it.

Remember these words:

Psalm 27:14 (New Living Translation)

¹⁴ Wait patiently for the Lord.
      Be brave and courageous.
      Yes, wait patiently for the Lord.

 

He will not give up on me and He is not finished with me!!

 

Disclaimer: I am not a mental health professional.  I’m a mom that has suffered from depression, postpartum depression and anxiety.  I’m a believer in Jesus Christ.  I believe this is not how God intended me to feel and I believe that we, as moms, deserve to get help when we need it!!  Depression can be serious and nasty, please seek professional help if you are experiencing symptoms or are afraid.

Have you ever experienced depression?  What have you done to battle it?  Can I pray for you somehow?  If you’d rather not comment, feel free to use the button on the side to email me.  I’d love to talk to you!!

 

Also, I now have my blog set up for email subscribing, have a daily dose (or however often I post) delivered for free right into your mailbox!!  Fill in your address on the box to the right.

I believe that even though I don’t have it all together now, nor may I ever have it all together, God is using this time to use me, maybe it’s to help you.  I’m sure I still have stuff to learn too!!  Let’s take this journey together!!

Much Love,