Finding the hard eucharisteo

I honestly thought when I started reading one thousand gifts my hard eucharisteo was going to be living in the essence of three loud rambunctious boys. I thought that was the lesson God was going to teach me. Slow down. Nothing is an emergency. After all, I felt as though I had arrived when I read in Chapter 4:

I just want to time to do my one life well.

Yes, that was my hard eucharisteo, learning to live in the moment, with these boys, being all there, tasting life as if it were sweet each day. Enjoying the right now.

And while I’m learning that and it is making a huge change in my life, I seeing there is even more to my story.

Photo by Abigail at Pixosphere

As I read the chapters in the book about people stricken with cancer, I nodded my head along. Yes, I understand. No it hasn’t directly affected my life negatively. I’ve considered myself pretty lucky. My sister has had a few melanoma successfully removed. My best friend from college lost her mom to battle with breast cancer right after we both got married. My husbands grandma is a breast cancer survivor.

But to see the effects of the disease, in my own life, in my own tight circle…I had not.

You see, I work in a hospital. I’m a pharmacist. I deal with death and dying every day. I feel like I’m sometimes pretty numb to disease, unfortunately it comes with the territory.

Photo by Cassandra at Pixosphere

So when I found out that my dad had spots show up on his liver and lungs on what I thought was going to be a routine CT scan, I got the air knocked out of me.

My beautiful view of the sky above, my living slow and soaking in all that was good suddenly became cold and gray.

Photo by Ashley at Pixosphere

My room was spinning. Suddenly I was on the other side of the hospital bed. I was a family member of a patient instead of the worker. I went to work that night afraid. I literally spent most of the night trying to catch my breath. And I felt silly crying or being worried. We have no diagnosis, no confirmation. We have time. Time to wait, stew, and think about every situation.

Luckily though, I’d been in a one thousand gifts frame of mind. I remembered what I had read in Chapter 5.

Eucharisteo is not our default mode.

All is grace only because all can be transfigured.

I awaken to the strange truth that all new life comes out of the dark places, and hasn’t it always been?

God is always good and I am always loved.

~~~

I work overnight and as I drove home that morning my clouds literally began to part.

Photo by Hope at Pixosphere

There are new mercies each morning. I serve the same God I did the day before. That God that was my sweet tea. The God that was showing me His face in the peanut butter covered face of my middle boy. (#13) He was showing me His face in the toys scattered about my living room. I was seeing Him just days earlier in things that were simple. He was whispering in my ear, “slow down, life is not an emergency” and, “I am here with you.”

Ann Voskamp said that there is a difference in expressing gratitude in horrific experiences and that God grieves the horrible with you. I had to chew on this like stale bread. Then remind myself that this isn’t a horrific experience yet. We have no idea what lies ahead.

And no matter what does, no matter the outcome, My God that I serve is the same today as He was yesterday. He is my I Am and I Will Be. Nothing has changed. And even if we get a poor prognosis, God is still on my team. He lavishes me with gifts every day!!

I’m thankful for the decision to have a one thousand gifts frame of mind right now. It’s not easy, but it has reminded me in these last few days that I am not alone.

And my dad, he’ll be ok. He’s a fighter. We’re taking it one day at a time. He meets with an oncologist this Friday and has an appointment with one of the best Cancer Centers in the country later this month. I would appreciate the continued prayers for him and my family. I pray specifically that God would use me and continue to help me keep a one thousand gifts frame of mind even if the darkest moments lie ahead.

And me, I think this whole experience will be showing me not to me so numb at work. Each person has a story, each person needs to see their own one thousand gifts. I pray God will let my work a gift to someone else.

May you see His gifts today,

Edited to add: linking up to thought provoking thursday